Chapter 8

TO PARTNERS

(pp. 99-110)

Every person who drinks involves other people in their drinking. Usually there's a partner who fears the next drinking spree, or parents who hate to see their child wasting away. The choices of alcoholics affect those around them.

Our Fellowship includes partners, spouses, relatives, and friends whose problem has been solved. It also includes people who have not yet found a happy solution. We want the partners of our members to speak with the partners of people who drink too much. What they say will apply to nearly everyone who loves an alcoholic.

Here are some of the things we hope they might say:

As partners of alcoholics, we understand each other in a unique way. We want to understand mistakes that we ourselves might have made. We hope to help you feel that no situation is too difficult to fix, and that you can find ways to move beyond unhappiness. All of us have traveled a rocky road. We've felt frustration, self-pity, misunderstanding, and fear. Our pride has been hurt. Our partners have made us feel everything from pity to resentment. Throughout it all, we hope that one day our loved ones will be themselves again.

We are loyal, and our hope that our partners will somehow start behaving like normal drinkers has gotten us into trouble. We have been unselfish and put our partners' needs before our own. We have told countless lies to protect our pride and our partners' reputations. We have prayed, we have begged, and we have been patient. We have also been cruel at times. We have run away. We have been so upset that nothing would calm us. We have been full of terror. We have looked to others for their sympathy. We have cheated on our partners as a kind of revenge.

Unhappy homes

Many nights our homes have become battlegrounds. In the morning, we kissed and made up. Our friends have told us to kick out our partners, and we've done it thinking the relationship was truly over. But then we would find ourselves hoping, and willing to take them back. Our partners have sworn that they would never drink again, and we believed them when no one else did. Then, in days, weeks, or months, we would find them drunk once more.

We rarely invited friends into our homes, never knowing how or when our partners might show up. We didn't go out much either. Eventually, we lived mostly alone. When we did go out, our partners would sneak so many drinks that we could never relax and have fun. Or if they drank nothing, they would feel so sorry for themselves that they'd still ruin the occasion.

We've never had financial stability. Our partners were always in danger of being fired, or already unemployed. An armored car could not have brought the paychecks home safely. The checking account melted like snow in summer.

Sometimes our partners cheated on us. This broke our hearts, especially if we were told that these exciting strangers understood our partners in ways we never could.

Our partners brought home collection agents, sheriffs, angry taxi drivers, policemen, bums, friends, and even lovers. They would call us cold and unwelcoming. “Killjoy, nag, downer”—that's what they said. The next day they would be themselves again and we would forgive and try to forget.

We have tried to encourage our children to continue loving their alcoholic parent. We have told our kids that their mother or father was sick, which was closer to the truth than we realized. Our partners have hit the children, kicked in doors, and smashed beloved dishes. In the middle of this chaos they may have stormed out, threatening to live with their lovers forever and leave us behind. Sometimes when we felt desperate, we've gotten drunk ourselves. We were surprised to find that our partners seemed to like it when we were drunk.

Trying every option

Maybe at some point we got a divorce and took the children home to our parents. Our partners' parents accused us of deserting our partner, even though we'd stayed for so long. Finally, we were forced to take second or third jobs just to support ourselves and our families.

As our partners' drinking sprees got more frequent, we tried talking to doctors. The upsetting physical and mental symptoms, the way they sank into never-ending guilt, the depression and shame that followed them everywhere like a dark cloud—these things terrified and distracted us. We felt like animals on a treadmill, patiently and wearily climbing, falling into exhaustion after each unsuccessful effort to reach solid ground. Most of us have seen our partners in the final stages, through long stays at rehabs, hospitals, and jails. Sometimes we had to watch our loved ones scream in confusion. Death was often near.

While all this went on, we made mistakes. This is only natural. We made some of these mistakes because we just didn't understand alcoholism. Sometimes we had a feeling our partners were sick, but we didn't trust that feeling. If we had really understood that alcoholism is an illness, we might have made different choices.

Playing the blame game

We found ourselves wondering how people who loved their families could be so unthinking, so insensitive, so cruel. They weren't capable of feeling love, we thought. But just as we had decided for good that our partners were heartless, they would surprise us with promises to change. For a while they would be their old sweet selves, but then they would smash our love to pieces all over again. Whenever we asked why they had started to drink again, they would reply with some silly excuse, or offer us no reason at all. It was so confusing, so heartbreaking. Could we have been so wrong about the people we chose to spend our lives with? When they were drinking, they were strangers. Sometimes they were so emotionally distant that it seemed like a giant wall had been built around them.

And even if they didn't love their families, how could they be so blind about themselves? Where had their judgment, common sense, and willpower gone? Why couldn't they see that drinking was ruining their lives? And when anyone pointed out how dangerous drinking was, why would they get drunk again immediately?

These are some of the questions which race through the mind of every partner with an alcoholic loved one. Perhaps your partner has been living in that strange world of alcoholism where everything is twisted and exaggerated. You can see that your partner really does love you with their better self. Some people are just incompatible, meaning they aren't meant to be together. But in cases where one partner is alcoholic and the alcoholic seems unloving and inconsiderate, it's usually because they are suffering and sick. It's the sickness making them act that way.

Try not to judge or punish your partner no matter what they say or do. They are a very sick, unreasonable person. Treat them, when you can, as though they have pneumonia. When they make you angry, remember that they are very ill.

However, there's an important exception to this rule. Some people really do have bad intentions, and being patient with them won't make any difference. An alcoholic who is like this may try to use what we've said in this chapter against you. Don't let them get away with it. If you are sure your partner is bad-intentioned, you may decide to end the relationship. Is it right to let this person ruin your life and the lives of your children? Especially when they have a way to stop drinking and treating you badly if only they were willing to put in the work?

Four types of problems

The problem you face usually falls into one of four categories:

One: Your partner may be a heavy drinker instead of an alcoholic. Their drinking may be constant, or it may be heavy only at certain times. Your partner might spend too much money on liquor. Drinking may slow them down mentally and physically, but they don't realize it. Sometimes they embarrass you and your friends. Your partner says they're positive they can handle their liquor, that it doesn't hurt them, that drinking is necessary to their business or work. They would probably be insulted if they were called an alcoholic. The world is full of people like your partner. Some will drink moderately or stop altogether, and some will not. If they keep drinking, they may become true alcoholics after a while.

Two: Your partner is showing lack of control because they can't stop drinking even when they want to. It's hard to predict what they'll do when they're drinking. They admit this is true, but say they are sure they can do better. Your partner has tried, with or without your help, some ways of moderating their drinking or staying dry. They may be starting to lose friends, and their work may be suffering. They are worried and starting to realize they can't drink like other people. Your partner sometimes drinks in the morning and through the day, to keep their nervousness under control. They feel guilty after drinking sprees, and tell you they want to stop. But when they get over the spree, they begin to think about how they'll just drink moderately next time. We think this person is in danger. These are the earmarks of a real alcoholic, but they haven't ruined everything—yet. As we say in our Fellowship, “They want to want to stop.”

Three: Your partner has gone much further than partner number two. Though once like the drinker described in number two, they got worse. Their friends have slipped away, their home is a mess, and they cannot keep a job. Maybe you've gotten the help of a doctor, and begun to take your partner from hospital to hospital. They can admit that they're unable to drink like other people, but don't understand why. They cling to the idea that they'll find a way to stop on their own. They may have reached a point where they desperately want to stop, but cannot. Their situation brings up questions that we will try to answer for you. You can be quite hopeful in a situation like this.

Four: You may have a partner who seems totally lost to drinking. They have already been hospitalized for drinking. They are violent or appear totally out of control when drunk. Sometimes they drink on the way home from the hospital. Your partner may have had delirium tremens. Doctors may shake their heads and say you should have them committed. Maybe you have already had to take them to the locked ward of a hospital. This picture may not be as dark as it looks. Many of our partners were just as far gone. Yet they got well.

Let's now go back to partner number one. Oddly enough, they are often the most difficult to deal with. They enjoy drinking. It stirs their imagination. Their friends feel closer over a cocktail. You may even enjoy drinking with them when they don't go too far. You have passed happy evenings together chatting and drinking in your own living room. Or maybe you both like parties that would feel boring without liquor. We have enjoyed evenings like this ourselves. We know all about liquor as a social lubricant—a way to make any situation feel more relaxed.

If you want to help your partner, the first rule of success is that you should never be angry. They may become unbearable and you may have to leave them temporarily. If possible, though, leave without showing anger. Patience and calmness are extremely important.

Next, never tell your partner what to do about their drinking. If they decide that you are a nag or a killjoy, you'll have no chance of accomplishing anything useful. Your partner will use that as an excuse to drink more. They'll tell you they feel misunderstood. This may lead to many lonely evenings for you. Your partner may seek someone else to console them—someone other than a friend.

Make sure that your partner's drinking is not going to ruin your relationships with your children or your friends. It is possible to have a full life, even when your partner continues to drink. We know people who are unafraid, even happy in this situation. Do not set your heart on fixing your partner's drinking problem. You may not be able to do it, no matter how hard you try.

We know these suggestions may be hard to follow, but if you stick to them they will save you from heartbreak. Your partner may come to appreciate your reasonableness and patience. This may lead to a friendly talk about their alcoholic problem. Try to let them bring up the subject. Be sure you are not critical during such a discussion. Instead, try to put yourself in their place. Let them see that you want to be helpful rather than critical.

Talking about alcoholism with your partner

Before you talk about alcoholism together, you might suggest that your partner read this book. Or at least Chapter 3, “More About Alcoholism.” Tell them you have been worried about them. You think they ought to understand exactly what is happening to them. Say that you believe everyone should understand the risks of drinking too much. Show your partner that you have confidence in their power to stop or moderate. Say that you do not want to be a nag. Explain that you only want them to take care of their health. By presenting these ideas, you may succeed in interesting your partner in talking about alcoholism.

Your partner probably has several alcoholic friends or acquaintances. You could suggest that you both take an interest in those friends. Drinkers like to help other drinkers. Your partner may be willing to talk to one of them.

If this approach does not grab your partner's interest, it may be best to drop the subject. But after that first friendly talk, your partner will usually bring up the topic again. You will need to be patient, but it will be worth the wait. Meanwhile you might try to help the partner of another serious drinker. If you act using these principles, your partner may stop or moderate.

Let's say your partner fits the description of number two. The same principles that apply to partner number one still apply. But after the next binge, ask them if they would really like to stop drinking for good. Don't ask them to do it for you, or for anyone else. Just ask whether they would like to.

Chances are they would. Show them your copy of this book and tell them what you have found out about alcoholism. Show them that, as alcoholics, the writers of this book understand. Tell them some of the interesting stories you have read. If you think they will feel uncomfortable with a spiritual approach, ask them to read Chapter 3. After that, they might be interested enough to continue.

If your partner is enthusiastic, your cooperation will be very meaningful to them. If they're lukewarm or think they're not an alcoholic, we suggest you leave them alone. Don't pressure them to follow our program. The seed has been planted in their mind. They know that thousands of people much like them have recovered. But don't remind them of this after they have been drinking. Doing that will just make your partner angry at you.

Sooner or later, you'll find them reading this book again. Wait until this has happened a few times and your partner decides to take action on their own. The more you hurry them, the longer their recovery will be delayed.

If you have a number three partner, you may be in luck. Since they're sure they want to stop, you can bring them this book with all the joy of a lottery winner. Your partner may not share your enthusiasm. Still, they are likely to read the book and may be willing to start the program immediately. If they don't, you will probably not have to wait very long. Again, try not to pressure them. Let them decide on their own. Cheerfully stand with them through more drinking sprees. Talk about their condition or this book only when they bring it up. In some cases it may be better to let someone outside the family offer the book. They can encourage your partner to take action without angering them.

You might think that people in the fourth group are hopeless, but that's not the case. Many people in Alcoholics Anonymous were like that. Everybody had given up on them. Defeat seemed certain. But people like that have had spectacular and powerful recoveries.

There are exceptions. Some people have been so destroyed by alcohol that they cannot stop. Sometimes alcoholism is made worse by other illnesses. A good doctor or psychiatrist can tell you whether these complications are serious. But no matter what happens, try to get your partner to read this book. They may react with enthusiasm. If your partner is already in the hospital but both you and your doctor believe they want to stop drinking, let them try A.A. (unless the doctor says it's too dangerous). We have been working with alcoholics in hospitals for many years. Since this book was first published, A.A. has helped thousands of alcoholics recover in hospitals of every kind. The majority have never returned. The power of God goes deep!

You may have the opposite situation on your hands. Perhaps you have a partner who is at home, but who should be in the hospital. Some people cannot or will not get over alcoholism. When they become too dangerous, we think the best thing is to force them to get help. But, of course, a trusted doctor should always be consulted. The partners and children of such people suffer horribly, but not more than the drinkers themselves.

Talking to others about your partner

If your partner is a drinker, you probably worry about what other people think. You may feel anxious about meeting with your friends. You withdraw more and more into yourself. You believe everyone is talking about what's going on inside your home. You avoid the subject of drinking, even with your own parents. You do not know what to tell the children. When your partner is drinking, you want to hide away from everyone you know forever.

We find that most of this embarrassment is unnecessary. While you don't need to discuss your partner's behavior in detail, you can quietly let your friends know about their illness. But you must be very careful not to embarrass or harm your partner.

When you have carefully explained to friends that your partner is a sick person, you will feel differently. Walls between you and your friends will disappear. You will feel their care and sympathy. You won't feel self-conscious or that you need to apologize for your partner. Your new courage, good nature, and lack of self- consciousness will greatly improve your social life.

The same idea applies in dealing with the children. Unless the children actually need protection from their alcoholic parent, don't take sides in any argument they have together. Focus on helping everyone reach a better understanding. When you do this, you can lessen the terrible tension that grips the home of every problem drinker.

You have probably told your partner's boss and friends that they're sick when they were actually drunk. Now, try to avoid answering questions about this. Whenever you can, let your partner explain. Your desire to protect them shouldn't force you to lie. People in their life have a right to know where they are and what they're doing. Discuss this with your partner when they're sober and in good spirits. Ask them what you should do if they put you in this position again. But don't show anger about the last time they did so.

There is another overwhelming fear you may feel—that your partner will lose their job. You are thinking of the embarrassment and hard times that you and the children will have to live through. And you may have to do just that. Or you may already have done it several times. If it happens again, think about it in a different light. Maybe the hard times will turn out to be a blessing! This bad situation may convince your partner to stop drinking forever. Time after time, something that looked like a disaster has become a gift. Disaster often opens up a path to the discovery of a Higher Power.

Finding your own spirituality

In other parts of this book, we've talked about how much better life is when lived in a spiritual way. If God can solve the ancient puzzle of alcoholism, a God of your own understanding can solve your problems, too. We partners of alcoholics have suffered from pride, self-pity, vanity, and all the things that create a self-centered person. We were not above selfishness or dishonesty. As our partners began to apply spiritual principles in their lives, we saw how those principles might help us, too.

At first, some of us did not believe we needed this help. We thought we were perfectly fine people, able to become nicer if our partners stopped drinking. But it was a silly idea that we were too good to need a Higher Power. Now we try to put spiritual principles to work in every area of our lives. When we do that, we find it solves our problems, too. Living with less fear, worry, and hurt feelings is a wonderful thing. We urge you to try our program. When you find your connection to a Higher Power, you will also find a new attitude toward your partner. That new attitude will help them more than anything else.

If you and your partner find a solution to their drinking problem, you will be very happy. But all of your problems will not be solved at once. A seed has started to sprout in new soil, but growth has only begun. In spite of your newfound happiness, there will be ups and downs. Many of the old problems will follow you. This is as it should be.

The faith and sincerity that you both feel will be put to the test. These tests should be considered part of your education. You will be learning to live in a new way. You will make mistakes, but if you are determined they will not drag you down. A better way of life will come to you when these mistakes are behind you.

Some of your setbacks will be irritation, hurt feelings, and resentments. Your partner will sometimes be unreasonable and you will want to criticize them. Starting as a tiny speck on the domestic horizon, great thunderclouds of anger may gather. These family arguments are very dangerous, especially to your partner. Often you must take responsibility for avoiding them or keeping them under control. Never forget that resentment is a deadly force for an alcoholic. We do not mean that you have to agree with your partner whenever you have an honest difference of opinion. Just be careful not to disagree in a resentful or critical way.

You and your partner will find that you can deal with serious problems more easily than small ones. Next time you have a heated discussion, either of you should be able to smile and say, “This is getting serious. I'm sorry I got so upset. Let's talk about it later.” If your partner is trying to live spiritually, they will also be trying to avoid disagreement or contention.

Your partner knows they owe you more than stopping drinking. They want to make good. Yet you must not expect too much. Their way of thinking and doing are habits formed over many years. Patience, tolerance, understanding, and love must become your mantras. Show your partner these things in yourself and they will be reflected back to you. Live and let live is the rule. If you both are willing to work on your defects, you won't need to criticize each other.

We partners of alcoholics can imagine the sort of person we would like our partners to become. It's very normal to assume that when they stop drinking, they will transform into this perfect partner. But in reality, they probably will not. Because just like you, your partner is just beginning to grow. Be patient.

Difficult feelings arise in the recovery process

Some of us have struggled with our resentment that love and loyalty could not cure our partners of alcoholism. We don't like to think that the contents of a book or the work of another alcoholic has accomplished in a few weeks what we have tried to do for years. At those times, we forget that alcoholism is an illness. We never had any power over it. Your partner will no doubt tell you that your patience and care are what led them to a place where a spiritual experience was possible. Without you, they would've given up long ago. When you have resentful thoughts, try to pause and count your blessings. After all, your family is reunited, alcohol is no longer a problem, and you and your partner are working together toward a shared future.

Another problem that may come up is your feelings about how much time your partner spends working on recovery. You may feel jealous of the attention they give to other people, especially alcoholics. You have been starving for their company, and now they spend long hours helping other people and their families. You feel your partner should now be yours.

The fact is that they need to work with other people to maintain their own sobriety. Sometimes they will be so caught up in helping others that you will feel abandoned. Your house may be full of strangers. You may not like some of them. Your partner may talk passionately about their problems, but not at all about yours. If you point this out and demand more attention for yourself, that will make things worse. It would be a real mistake to discourage your partner's enthusiasm for working with alcoholics. Instead, try to join in their efforts as much as you possibly can. Your partner's new alcoholic friends may have partners of their own. We suggest directing some of your energy toward them. They need the counsel and love of a person who has gone through what you have.

You and your partner may have been living alone for too long. Drinking often isolates the partner of an alcoholic. This means you probably need new interests and a great cause to live for, just as much as your partner. If you stay open to this, both of you will unlock a new sense of responsibility for others. You and your partner will begin to think of what you can put into life, instead of how much you can take out. Inevitably your lives will be fuller for doing so. You will lose the old life to find a new one that's much better.

Perhaps your partner will start the A.A. program and do well for a while, then come home drunk—just when things were going beautifully. If you believe they truly want to stop drinking, you don't need to be worried about this. Although it would be better if they didn't relapse, it's not the worst thing that can happen. Your partner will realize very quickly that they need to become even more serious about their spirituality. You don't need to remind them they have messed up. They will know. Cheer up your partner, and ask how you can help.

Any sign of fear or intolerance may hurt your partner's chance of recovery. If they feel weak or worried, they may decide that your dislike of their drinking buddies is an excuse to drink. At A.A., we never, never try to arrange a person's life to shield them from temptation. Drinkers always notice this. If you try to set up your partner's appointments or plans so they won't be tempted to drink, they will know. Instead, make them feel absolutely free to come and go as they wish. This is important.

If they get drunk, don't blame yourself. Their Higher Power has either removed your partner's liquor problem … or not. If not, it's better to figure that out right away. Then you and your partner can tackle the issue together. If a relapse is to be prevented, place the problem, along with everything else, in God's hands.

We realize that we have given you a lot of direction and advice. We may have sounded like we were lecturing. If that's the case, we are sorry, because we ourselves don't always enjoy people who lecture us. But what we have told you is based on experience, some of it painful. We had to learn these things the hard way. That is why we are anxious that you understand, and that you avoid these unnecessary difficulties.

So to you out there who may soon be with us—we say, “Good luck and God bless you!”