Chapter 9

THE FAMILY AFTERWARD

(pp. 111-120)

Some partners of alcoholics have offered advice about how to treat a loved one who is recovering. They don't believe someone who is recovering should be treated as if they were very delicate. And they also shouldn't be treated like a hero. Helping a partner get used to life without alcohol means doing the opposite of this.

All family members should meet on common ground, and act with tolerance, understanding, and love. This can be hard. The alcoholic, their partner, children, and other family members will each have their own ideas about how everyone should act. Each person believes their ideas are the right ones. But if one family member makes the rules and everyone else follows them, this leads to resentment. Soon everyone is unhappy.

Why? Is it because each person wants to be the decision-maker? Or because each person is trying to control the entire family? Or because—without realizing it—each person is trying to take from the family instead of giving to the family?

When an alcoholic stops drinking, this is just the first step. They are just beginning to move away from a stressful, unusual, and unhealthy way of behaving. It is hard, but families must try to be patient with the process.

A doctor once told us, “Years spent living with an alcoholic will probably make their partners and children feel anxious and unstable. In a way, the whole family is sick.”

We want families to realize that the journey they're taking won't always have smooth roads or good weather. At times, each of them will feel exhausted or fall behind the others. They will take shortcuts, wander off, and lose their way.

Because we've seen this happen, we want to tell families what to expect. We will tell you about the obstacles you'll find, and how to avoid them. We'll even tell you how to use those obstacles to learn important lessons. We know you want to feel happy and secure again. You remember when your alcoholic family member was loving, thoughtful and successful.

You compare your life today with your life many years ago, and feel unhappy in the present.

Here's what your situation might look like:

Some common family reactions

The family feels more and more confident about dad's recovery. The good old days will be back soon, they think. Sometimes they try to force dad to be his old self. They feel God owes them this. They are due for some good, easy times again. But dad has spent years acting in ways that damaged his career, marriage, friendships, and health. These things are all ruined. It will take time to clear away the rubble. The process is like rebuilding a city. Old buildings will eventually be replaced by beautiful new ones … but those new buildings will take years to complete.

Dad knows this is his fault. It may take him many months of hard work to change his financial situation. But no one should criticize or blame him. He may never have much money again. But a wise family will admire him for trying, rather than focusing on what he is trying to fix.

Sometimes the family will feel like ghosts from the past are haunting them. This is normal. Every alcoholic's drinking career includes memorable situations. Some of them are funny, embarrassing, shameful or tragic. It's tempting to bury these skeletons in a dark closet and lock the door. The family may think that future happiness can only exist if the past is forgotten. We think this is wrong. This belief is self-centered, and goes against dad's new way of living.

Henry Ford, the founder of Ford Motors, once made a wise observation. He pointed out that experience is the most valuable thing in life. We think that's true, but only if we are willing to accept what we've done in the past. We only grow if we're willing to face and fix our mistakes, and transform them into strengths. Because of this, an alcoholic's past is one of the most valuable things they give to their family. Sometimes it's the only valuable thing they have to give!

One alcoholic's painful past can even help the families of other alcoholics. We think that each family that has experienced relief owes something to the families still suffering. If the time comes, each family member must be willing to talk about mistakes openly and honestly. Showing others how we were helped is what makes life seem worthwhile now. We remember that, with the help of our Higher Power, our dark past is the most valuable possession we have. It's the key to life and happiness for other people. With it, we can prevent misery for them. We may even prevent death for them with our stories.

It's possible to dig up past mistakes and turn them into present unhappiness. Some stories and experiences can become so painful they feel like a plague we cannot escape. For example, sometimes the alcoholic or their partner have had love affairs. In the first rush of spiritual experience, they may forgive each other. It feels like a miracle. But then, when some other argument or conflict comes up, one of them will bring up the affair. They use it as fuel or ammunition. They use it to hurt their partner as much as they can.

A few of us have had these experiences and they hurt us terribly. Partners have sometimes separated from each other until they felt able to forgive again. In most cases, the alcoholic partner makes it through these separations without relapsing. But not always. So we think that events of the past should only be discussed when talking about them serves a good and useful purpose.

Secrets and stressful times

The families of our members don't keep many skeletons in the closet. Everyone knows about each other's alcoholic troubles. In regular life, this kind of sharing of secrets would create pain and chaos. It might create hurtful gossip, or cause people to laugh at the suffering of others. It might even cause someone to expose private information, for money or power. In A.A., these things don't happen very often. We talk about each other a lot, but we almost always do it in the spirit of love and tolerance.

Another principle we live by is this: We do not share the private or secret experiences of someone else unless we know they will feel okay about it. Usually, we just stick to our own stories. Any person may criticize or laugh at themselves, and other people may laugh along. But criticisms coming from another person create the opposite reaction. Family members should be especially careful about this. One careless, inconsiderate remark has been known to bring out the devil in their recovering loved one. We alcoholics are sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that troublesome trait.

Many alcoholics are passionate and intense. They may go to extremes. At the beginning of recovery an alcoholic will usually do one of two things. They will either become obsessed with fixing their financial problems immediately, or become so happy with their new life that they talk about it constantly. Either of these things will cause family problems. We know this because we've experienced it ourselves.

We think it can be dangerous for an alcoholic to focus only on money problems. At first, the family will feel relieved. It will seem like their money troubles are about to be solved. Then the family will be upset when their alcoholic loved one ignores them to concentrate on work or business. Dad may be tired at night and distracted during the day. He may spend less time with the children, and get mad when anyone points this out. If he's not grouchy, he may seem quiet and boring. Not his usual happy and loving self. Everyone in the family feels disappointed, and tells dad how they feel.

When dad hears these complaints, he may put up an emotional wall. He is using every ounce of his energy to make things right. He is trying to recover his money and reputation, and thought he was doing well. But mom and the kids might not agree. They've been ignored and hurt by dad in the past. They feel they deserve more than he is giving them now.

They may want dad to shower them with affection. They expect him to give them the nice times they used to have before he drank so much. They want to see how sorry he feels for making them suffer. But dad doesn't give them these things. He feels resentment. He starts to communicate less and less. Sometimes he gets angry over the tiniest things. The family is so confused. They complain, and point out how he is failing at his spiritual program.

This kind of thing can be avoided. Both dad and the family are wrong, though both have good reasons for their feelings. Arguing will only make things worse. The family must accept that although dad has improved, he is still sick and still recovering. They should be thankful he is sober and able to be a part of regular life again. Let them praise his progress. Let them remember that his drinking did all kinds of damage that may take a long time to repair. If they sense these things, they will be more understanding about his periods of crankiness or depression. And those periods will disappear when there is tolerance, love, and spiritual understanding.

Dad also needs to understand that he is mostly to blame for what has happened at home. He may not be able to make things right in his lifetime. But he needs to see the danger of getting obsessed with money. Many of us have recovered financially, but we could not make money our priority. For us, material well-being always followed spiritual progress; it never came first.

Avoiding resentment

Since family life has suffered more than anything else, alcoholics are wise to work hard to fix things at home. They won't make progress elsewhere if they can't show unselfishness and love under their own roofs. We know there are difficult partners and families. But a person getting over alcoholism must remember they played a part in making their own families become difficult.

When family members start to see their own mistakes and admit them to the others, they pave the way for helpful discussion. The most useful family talks will take place without angry arguments, self-pity, excuses, or resentful criticism. Little by little, mom and the children will realize they are asking for too much. Dad will see he is giving them too little. Giving, rather than getting, will become their shared goal.

Now imagine that dad has had a life-changing spiritual experience at the beginning of his recovery. It may seem like he has changed overnight. He becomes very religious. He cannot focus on or talk about anything else. Once his sobriety becomes normal, the family may look at their strange new dad nervously. Later, they may feel annoyed with him. He talks about spiritual matters morning, noon, and night. He may insist that everyone in the family find God for themselves, and fast. Or he may seem like he doesn't care about them at all, and act like he's better than everyone else. He may tell mom that she doesn't know what religion is all about, even if she's been religious all her life.

When dad acts this way, the family may react angrily. They may be jealous of a God who has stolen dad's attention and love. They feel grateful that he's stopped drinking, but they might not like that a Higher Power could heal dad when they could not. They forget that no human power could help him. They might not see why their love didn't save him.

Their jealousy might turn another way. Dad isn't so spiritual after all, they say. If he's going to right his past wrongs, why is he focused on everyone in the world except his family? Then he says that God will take care of them. They start to think dad is losing his mind.

He's not as unbalanced as they might think. Many of us have experienced dad's joy and bliss. We have felt spiritual intoxication. Like a skinny, starving gold miner who has just struck gold. We feel unending joy once we are free from our frustrating lives. Dad feels like he has struck something better than gold. For a while, he may try to keep the treasure to himself. He doesn't see that he has access to an endless supply of riches. Riches that will only make him wealthy if he mines for the rest of his life and gives it all away.

If the family is patient, dad will see that he is taking his new beliefs too far. He'll know that his spiritual growth cannot take over his life. A spiritual life that doesn't include his family might not be so perfect after all. If the family can accept that dad's behavior is just a phase in his journey, it will pass. An understanding and sympathetic family will help dad grow beyond this stage.

The risk of continued family criticism

If the family criticizes too much, the opposite may happen. Dad may think that he was always on the losing side of arguments when he was drinking. Now he may act like he has become a superior person with God on his side. If the family continues to criticize, he may believe this even more strongly. Instead of healing with the family, dad may become more distant. He will believe he's got spiritual reasons for acting this way.

Even if the family disagrees with dad's spiritual activities, they should let him do what he needs to do. Even if he pays less attention to the family, they should let him focus on helping other alcoholics as much as he wants. During the first days of recovery, this will do more to keep him sober than anything else. Some of his behavior may be worrying or annoying, but we think dad will be safer than an alcoholic who is focused on finances. He will be less likely to drink again, and anything is better than that.

Many of us have spent time thinking that our spirituality makes us superior people. Eventually, we see that this is childish. That attitude is replaced by a great sense of purpose, and a growing understanding of the power of God in our lives. We have come to believe we should keep our heads in the clouds with God, but our feet need to be firmly planted on earth. That is where other people are, and that is where our work must be done. These are the realities for us. And we know that we can have both a powerful spiritual experience and a life of sane and happy usefulness.

One more suggestion: Whether other family members are spiritual or not, it can help them to examine the principles their loved one has adopted. They will probably find these simple principles interesting and valuable, even when dad struggles to practice them himself. When the partner of an alcoholic begins their own sane spiritual program, it is incredibly helpful to that alcoholic. They benefit from seeing someone they love using A.A. principles with wisdom and care.

Staying flexible

There will be other big changes in the household. Liquor changed dad so much and for so many years that mom had to take over his responsibilities. During this time, mom was forced to treat dad like a sick or misbehaving child. Even when she wanted to help out she couldn't. Drinking made everything so much harder. Mom made all the plans and gave the directions to the family. When sober, dad usually did as mom asked.

Now that dad is starting to feel like himself again, he may try to take back his old role. This will cause trouble. To prevent conflict, the whole family needs to watch for this change. Everyone should come to a friendly agreement about it.

When one family member drinks, that keeps the whole family separate from the outside world. Dad may have stopped all his normal activities for years—clubs, sports, hobbies, and friendships. When he becomes interested in doing them again, the family may feel jealous. They may feel like they should own all of his time and energy now. Instead of finding new activities for themselves, mom and the children may demand that dad stay home with them. He has to make up for lost time.

At the very beginning, both partners need to accept that they will each have to compromise. Doing this will involve the family in an alcoholic's new life. Dad will be spending lots of time with other alcoholics, but he will do other activities, too. He may make new friends who don't know about his alcoholism, and will need to consider their needs. He may help out in the local community. Even if the family is not religious, they may choose a spiritual path at this time.

Alcoholics who have made fun of religious people will be helped by finding a faith community. Since a recovering alcoholic has had a spiritual experience, they have lots in common with religious people. They may not agree on everything, but they have some overlapping beliefs. If the alcoholic doesn't argue about religion, they can make new friends and find new ways to feel useful and happy. They may even bring new hope and new courage to faith leaders who do their best to help our troubled world.

This is just a suggestion. As far as we are concerned, no one should feel they have to join a faith community. As non- denominational people, we can't make up others' minds for them. Each person must decide on their own.

Finding joy in recovery

So far, we have been talking to you about serious, sometimes tragic things. We have been dealing with the worst parts of alcohol and alcoholism. But we aren't a bunch of sad, gloomy people. If newcomers saw that recovering alcoholics had no joy or fun in life, they wouldn't join us. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to be too serious about politics, and we don't carry the world's troubles on our shoulders. When we see someone sinking into the quicksand of alcoholism, we give them first aid and offer to help however we can. We don't force them to listen to all of the stories from our own terrible experiences. Those of us who try to take on the troubles of other people end up feeling overwhelmed.

So we think happiness and laughter are useful and important. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into laughter about some tragic experience from the past. But why shouldn't we laugh? We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others.

Everybody knows that sick people and people who don't allow themselves to play never laugh. So we think each family should play together or separately, as much as they like. We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot believe that this life is meant to be full of sadness and tears, although it used to feel that way for many of us. Now we know that we made our own misery. God didn't do it. So we take care not to go on creating more misery. If trouble comes to us, we use it as a reason to think about the wisdom of our Higher Power.

Now, a note about health. A body that's been badly hurt by alcohol can't recover overnight. Twisted thinking and depression can't disappear in the blink of an eye. We believe that living in a spiritual way is the most powerful way for an alcoholic to improve their health. We have recovered from serious drinking ourselves. We think of ourselves as miracles of mental health. But we have seen improvements in our bodies, too. Very few of us still look damaged from our drinking.

But this doesn't mean that we ignore our physical health. God has filled the world with smart doctors, psychologists, and other healthcare professionals. If you need their help, take your health problems to them. Remember that your Higher Power can do miraculous things, but you still sometimes need support from a good doctor or psychiatrist. Their help is often extremely important in treating a newcomer and helping that person continue to recover.

One of the many doctors who read the first draft of this book told us that eating candy or sweets can be helpful. He thought all alcoholics should have chocolate available at all times, in case they needed a burst of energy. He added that sometimes cravings for alcohol could be made less powerful with candy. Many of us eat sweets regularly, and find this helps us in controlling our cravings.

A word about sexuality. Alcohol increases some people's sex drives. Couples may find that when one partner stops drinking, they are less interested in sex. If they don't understand the connection to alcohol, this change may hurt and confuse them. Some of us have had this experience. But just a few months later, we were having better sex than ever before. Be sure to work with a doctor or psychologist if sexual troubles continue. But we don't know of many people who have had this problem for very long.

Alcoholics may find it hard to repair their relationships with their children. Back when they were drinking, the kids were young and sensitive to what was going on around them. They may be very angry at dad for his actions, and what he has done to mom. Children of alcoholics are sometimes slow to forgive their parents. They may stay angry for months, long after mom has accepted dad's new way of living and thinking.

Over time, they will see that dad has changed. When they are ready, they will let him know they are ready to accept him, too. When this happens, they can be invited to join in morning meditation. They can join family discussions without getting angry or upset. After this, positive changes will start to happen very quickly. Wonderful things often follow family reunions like this.

Whether the family becomes spiritual together or not, the alcoholic member has to become spiritual to recover. The others must accept this without any doubt. Seeing is believing to most families who have lived with a drinker.

Here is an example: One of our friends was a heavy smoker and coffee drinker. There was no doubt he smoked too much and drank too much coffee. Seeing this and wanting to be helpful, his wife started nagging him to stop. He admitted he was overdoing these things, but told her that he was not ready to stop. His wife believed that cigarettes and coffee are somewhat sinful, so she kept telling him to quit. Finally, her behavior made him very angry. He got drunk.

Of course our friend was wrong—dead wrong. He had to painfully admit that, and find ways to reconnect with his spirituality. He became a helpful member of Alcoholics Anonymous, but he still smoked and drank coffee. Neither his wife nor anyone else judged him. She saw she was wrong to criticize him about this when his more serious problems were being cured.

We have three little mottoes that can be helpful to both alcoholics and their families. Here they are:

First Things First

Live and Let Live

Easy Does It.