Chapter 4

WE AGNOSTICS

(pp. 54-63)

Now that you've read the first three chapters of this book, we hope you have learned something about alcoholism. You may also know the difference between an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic. If you're still unsure if you're an alcoholic yourself, there are two simple ways to tell.

1. If you have tried your hardest to stop drinking and couldn't do it, you are probably an alcoholic.
2. If, once you start drinking, you have no control over how much you drink, you are probably an alcoholic.

Being an alcoholic means you are suffering from an illness that cannot be cured with medicine or therapy. And as we've mentioned before, the only way to permanently control your drinking is to create a personal connection with a Higher Power.

If you are an atheist or an agnostic, you might feel like you are being forced to make a choice that will turn your world upside-down. To be doomed to die an alcoholic death or to find a way to live a spiritual life is not an easy choice to make. We are here to tell you that connecting with a Higher Power is both possible and absolutely critical to your recovery.

Remember the stories of other alcoholics you read in earlier chapters? If you look back over those stories, you'll see that many of the people in them also wanted to skip “the God stuff” in stopping their drinking. They thought they could get sober without finding a Higher Power that they trusted to help and guide them. How many of them succeeded? None. Still, we know that choosing between living your entire life as an alcoholic or becoming a spiritual person can be difficult.

Many people have had a hard time with this choice. In fact, nearly half of us were atheists or agnostics when we first formed our Fellowship. We tried to avoid the issue of spirituality at first. Eventually we realized it was the only way to begin recovering. We found our own ways to think about spirituality, and created our own definitions of a Higher Power. As you work through A.A., you may find yourself doing something similar.

But you may be thinking that there must be a non-spiritual way to overcome your alcoholism. Something similar that doesn't involve God. But if changing a few behaviors or thinking more positively could cure alcoholism, many of us would have recovered a long time ago. Instead we found that—no matter how hard we tried—relying only on ourselves and our willpower always completely failed.

Some of us spent years of our lives trying to get sober. But the only thing that made a difference was finding a connection to a Higher Power.

A Higher Power can guide your journey

Here is why we think that spirituality is the only way to deal with alcoholism: As alcoholics, we are powerless against our alcoholism. We are powerless to control our drinking. Which means that in order to change our drinking habits, we cannot just rely on ourselves. We don't have the right kind of power, and that is exactly our problem! We need to connect with some sort of power outside of ourselves that can guide us. And it needs to be a Power greater than ourselves.

But where and how do we find this Power?

Well, that's exactly what this book is about. It was written to help you find a Power greater than yourself that will help you solve your problem. If you are an agnostic or an atheist, this may worry you. Much of this chapter will talk about how you might start to connect with God on your own terms.

Plenty of new A.A. members have doubts about spirituality at first. When we talk to alcoholics who haven't started the program yet, we bring up the subject of God very carefully. At first, these new people look eager and hopeful as we explain how the program works. Then their faces fall when we bring up spirituality, especially when we mention God. Often this is because we have opened a topic that newcomers would rather avoid or ignore.

We know how this feels. We have had those same concerns ourselves.

Some of us in A.A. have been extremely anti-religious. Some of us connect the word “God” to ideas we were forced to accept during our childhoods. If those ideas didn't make sense to us back then, we may have rejected the idea of God completely. We started to believe that faith and trusting a Higher Power were signs of weakness. We saw war, destruction, and pain in the world. We found it hard to believe that God would let these things happen. We looked at people who claimed to be godly, and felt we couldn't trust them.

But at other times we felt differently. When we stopped to enjoy the magical beauty of nature, we felt like a Higher Power must exist. We looked up at the stars and wondered who made them. We felt filled with amazement in those moments.

Whatever you feel and believe about God right now, someone else in the program has believed the same thing. We can promise you that. If you pray every day and believe that God guides your life, you are not alone. And if you are a strong atheist and dislike religion, you are also not alone. Others in A.A. have felt what you are feeling, too, and may even feel it right now.

Here's something that helped those of us who felt uncomfortable with the idea of a Higher Power: We don't have to use anyone else's spirituality as a model. We can decide for ourselves how we want to think about the Higher Power that guides us.

Define “God” on your own terms

When we joined the program, we found out we didn't have to immediately accept that God, or any Higher Power, exists. We just needed to keep an open mind about spirituality and faith. As we learned more about the program, some of us slowly became more spiritual. Others had very sudden and unexpected experiences of faith! At the beginning, all that was needed from us was openness.

We found that as soon as we allowed ourselves to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we could change. Even if we couldn't explain or understand that Power, it still helped us recover.

We were also relieved to learn that we didn't need to accept someone else's ideas about God. Our own ideas and feelings were all we needed. Then we could connect with a guiding Higher Power. As soon as we opened our minds to a Creative Intelligence, a Spirit of the Universe that watched over everything, we began to feel a new sense of direction. We found that God didn't make it hard for people to connect or get spiritual help. We found spirituality to be a big, friendly, welcoming space. We truly believe it is open to all people.

So when we use the word God in this book, we mean your own ideas of God. This also applies to other spiritual words and phrases you'll find in this book. They are all referring to your thoughts and feelings about God, and no one else's. If you feel any doubts about God or religion, we hope those doubts won't stop you from beginning this recovery journey.

We also hope those doubts won't stop you from asking yourself honestly what God means to you.

When we first began to recover, this was all we needed to start growing spiritually. We just needed to decide what God meant to us. Then we needed to reach toward that idea of God the tiniest little bit. After that, we felt able to accept many things that had seemed impossible before. That was growth. And all growth must start somewhere, so we started with our own ideas about God. It didn't matter how simple or small they seemed at the time.

Back then, we just needed to ask ourselves one question: “Am I willing to believe that there is a Power greater than myself?”

And if you are an agnostic who has doubts, you need to ask yourself that question now.

As soon as you can say that you're willing to believe, we promise that you're on the right track. Again and again, we've seen open- mindedness change people for the better. Accepting the idea that God may exist is all you need to start building a spiritual practice for yourself.

We learned that the only thing we needed was a willingness to believe God may exist. Before that, many of us thought we wouldn't be able to benefit from the spiritual basis of the program. We were worried that we would need to accept things on faith that felt difficult to believe. When we heard people talking about how spirituality benefited them as recovering alcoholics, we found ourselves thinking, “I wish I felt that way, too. I'm sure it would work for me if I believed in the same way that they believe.” Because of these concerns and stresses, we were relieved to learn that we could begin our relationship with God at a simpler level. We just needed to find and embrace a version of faith that felt true and powerful to us.

Let go of resistance to faith

On top of struggling with faith, we often felt stubbornness and prejudice against religion. Whenever someone brought up the topic of spirituality in conversation, we would get angry or defensive. We had to learn to let go of that habit. Some of us resisted at first, but decided that being open to spiritual discussion was important. We saw that we might be destroyed by our alcoholism if we didn't create a relationship with God. We decided that changing our thinking about spirituality was better than the alternative.

You may still be asking yourself why you should believe in a Power greater than yourself. We think there are many good reasons. Let's have a look at some of them.

Many people demand facts before they make a decision. We all accept all kinds of theories and assumptions, so long as they are supported by facts. For example most of what we believe about electricity and how it works is based on theories. We happily accept what scientists tell us about electricity. Why? Because otherwise we can't explain what we see, feel, and use. We need to use a reasonable assumption as a starting point.

Gravity is another example. So is Einstein's theory of relativity. We believe in many assumptions that are supported by facts, even if there's no proof that we can see with our own eyes. In fact, science has shown us that visible proof can be weak or misleading. The more we learn about how our world works, the more we understand that how something looks and how it is made may be very different from each other. Here's an example to make this idea clearer:

When people talk about something solid, they may use something like a steel beam as an obvious example. But a steel beam is made up of invisible particles whirling around at incredible speed. These tiny particles behave in predictable ways. They are governed by scientific laws that apply to everything in the world. Based on the facts that scientists have used to back up this theory, we have no reason to doubt it.

We can accept this theory without seeing proof with our own eyes. So why can't we also accept the idea that our world is protected by a powerful God that we cannot see? You can indeed see these with microscopes. So why can't we also believe that our world is guided by a Power greater than ourselves? Many of us stubbornly cling to the idea that our universe needs no God to explain its mysteries. If that's true, we might as well believe that life originated out of nothing, means nothing, and is going nowhere.

Those of us who are agnostics and atheists don't believe that a Power greater than ourselves affects our choices and lives. We believe we are in total control. Doesn't that sound a little arrogant?

Those of us who started our A.A. journeys as agnostics and atheists felt this way once. We thought our own brains were the only power in our lives. We are asking you now to open yourself up to other ideas about the world. We are asking you to rethink your negative beliefs about organized religion. We have learned that even imperfect faiths have given hope and meaning to millions of people all over the world. People of faith understand what life is all about. The ideas that shape their lives make sense.

We used to look down on them. We would make fun of their spiritual beliefs and practices to amuse ourselves. We would look at their natural, normal imperfections and decide that they were bad and wrong. We did all of this instead of accepting them as human beings. Instead of recognizing that many spiritual people had lives that were stable and happy.

We accused faithful people of being intolerant and prejudiced, when we were being intolerant and prejudiced ourselves. We saw a few bad people who claimed to be godly, and assumed all godly people were just as bad. We were unfair when we thought about the spiritual side of life.

Where we all agree

We have let go of our prejudices about faith. We have learned to accept that there is a Power greater than ourselves in the world. Each of us understands that Power in a different way. We have learned that we don't need to have particular ideas about God. We can create our own beliefs about how and when God is working in our lives. We don't need to believe the same things as other people. We can decide for ourselves how we want to think about the Power greater than ourselves that guides us.

However, there's one thing that we all agree on. We now believe in a Power greater than ourselves, and that belief has helped us recover. Millions of alcoholics will tell you that believing in and respecting a Power greater than themselves helped them make huge changes in their lives. When they felt despair and faced total failure, their own minds and feelings were not enough to change their situations. But because of their faith, they could change. They found that a new power, peace, happiness, and sense of direction flowed into them. Before they were always confused and felt that life was pointless, even when they weren't drinking or drunk. These people now say that their relationship with God and spirituality are the most important forces in their lives. We feel this is a powerful reason for anyone reading this book now to open themselves to the idea of faith.

Over the last several hundred years, people have made more discoveries and created more amazing inventions than we did in all the time before that. Why would this be? Especially when we know that people were just as smart back then as we are now? It is because not everyone had access to science and research. As a result, many people's minds were full of superstitions and outdated ideas. For example, many people who lived at the same time as Christopher Columbus did not believe the earth was round.

Knowing this, we should rethink our own prejudices. Aren't we being just as unreasonable about spirituality as these ancient people were about science and discovery?

Think of it this way: When the Wright brothers built and flew the first airplane in 1903, most American newspapers were afraid to write about it. All other inventors had failed to make machines that could fly. Another man had built a flying machine that sank to the bottom of a river. At the time, the best mathematical minds had “proved” human beings could never fly. Many people believed that God only wanted birds to have the ability to fly.

But just 30 years after the Wright brothers' first flight, airplanes were everywhere. Air travel was normal. Minds that were closed before … were forced open.

As more and more science and technology became part of our lives, people everywhere became more accepting. Things we once thought were impossible became common. If you were to take a news story about plans to explore the moon using robots, and show it to a warehouse worker, they would say, “I bet they'll do it. Probably in the next couple of years.” The time we live in is more open to change. We are comfortable replacing old ideas with new ones. We are happy to throw away old theories or inventions that don't work anymore, and exchange them for new ones that do.

At A.A., we had to ask ourselves why we haven't had the same attitude toward spirituality. If we are able to embrace new ideas and discoveries, why not new views on God? After all, we were struggling with our lives at just about every level. We truly needed help. We were having trouble with our relationships, we couldn't control our emotions, we felt miserable and depressed. We couldn't earn money or hold onto jobs, we felt useless and afraid, and we were unhappy. We couldn't even help other people. If connecting with a Higher Power could help us solve even a few of these problems, wasn't that worth exploring? Of course it was.

We saw other people solve their difficult problems by finding their own connection to spirituality. And then we knew we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did.

Think back to the Wright brothers for a moment. Their strong belief that they could build a flying machine was the reason they kept trying. It was the reason they succeeded. Without that strong belief, nothing could have happened. We agnostics and atheists hung onto the idea that our own power would solve all our problems, including our drinking. Other alcoholics told us that help from God had worked for them. Then we realized we were being as closed-minded as the people who had insisted the Wrights would never fly.

Logic is great stuff. We liked it. We still like it. And we still believe that using reason, looking at evidence, and using our senses to make decisions are all important. We agnostics would never accept an idea that didn't seem reasonable and logical. This is why we are trying so hard right now to show you that faith is reasonable. We want to show you why we think it is more sane and logical to believe in God than not to believe.

The question of faith

When we became members of Alcoholics Anonymous, we could no longer avoid the question of faith. Did we believe … or not? Is God everything or nothing, and how were we to choose?

Some of us had already found our way to faith through the program. Those people gave us hope for ourselves. We felt like they had already crossed over a long bridge, while we were waiting to find the courage to cross on our own. We could see the shore where they stood, and felt hopeful. And when we saw them waving, holding out their hands in welcome, we began to cross. We began to move toward accepting that a Power greater than ourselves truly did exist.

But when we reached the far side of the bridge we couldn't step ashore. Our love of logic and reason held us back from accepting our faith.

We made ourselves think more closely about faith as an idea. We had believed in our own ability to think and be reasonable. Wasn't that a kind of faith? It was. Up to this point, we had been faithful to a “God of Reason.” In a way, faith had been part of our lives for as long as we could remember!

Then we realized we had also been worshippers. We worshiped people, feelings, things, money, and ourselves. At certain moments, we felt feelings of worship for natural beauty: things like the sunset, the sea, or a flower. Most of us had fallen in love at some time in our lives. Love itself is a kind of worship. Love is a feeling that is not based in logic or reason. Seeing this, it became clear that worship had also been with us all along.

It became impossible to say we were unable to feel faith, or love, or worship. We saw that the most important experiences and emotions in our lives were built on faith. We saw that if we built our lives around reason alone, it wouldn't be life at all. We saw that reason wasn't the most important force in the world. In fact, reason can't always be trusted even when it comes from brilliant thinkers. Remember that several brilliant mathematicians proved that humans would never fly. And the Wright brothers still succeeded.

We began to see another kind of flight: People whose faith helped them rise above their problems. They told us God made these things possible, and we only smiled. We had seen people freed from alcoholism through their experience of faith. We met people who told us their belief in God had set them free. But we felt more comfortable telling ourselves those things weren't real.

We were lying to ourselves. Deep down in every person is the simple and powerful idea of God. It may be hidden by personal problems or by worship of other things, but it is still there. Faith in a Power greater than ourselves has existed for as long as humans have existed.

We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was as natural as the warm feelings we felt for our friends or partners. Some of us had to search long and hard, but we always found our faith eventually. God's existence was as clear and true as our own existence. We connected with God deep inside of ourselves.

God is within you already

We share these thoughts and feelings with you because we hope they will clear away your prejudices. We hope they will help you think honestly, and encourage you to look inside yourself for your own faith. Then, if you want to, you can join us on our journey toward recovery.

We'd like to share with you the experience of a man who thought he was an atheist, but had a change of heart that was dramatic, convincing, and moving.

Our friend was a minister's son. He attended church school, where he acted out and made trouble. He felt overwhelmed by his religious education and rebelled against it. As he grew older, his whole life was full of trouble and frustration. His family members had failed businesses, many struggled with their mental health, some became seriously ill, and attempted suicide. Seeing all of these terrible problems made him feel bitter and depressed. His drinking, mental illness, and physical illness, all made him consider suicide himself.

One night, when he'd been checked into a hospital, he was talking with another alcoholic who had experienced a spiritual awakening. Our friend felt angry and disgusted. He cried out, “If there is a God, then that God certainly hasn't done anything for me!” Later, alone in his room, he asked himself this question: “Is it possible that all the religious people I have known are wrong?” As he wondered about this, he felt like he was in hell.

Then, like a flash, a great thought appeared in his mind. It made all other thoughts disappear: “Who are you to say there is no God?”

This man fell out of bed onto his knees. He immediately felt overwhelmed by a feeling that God was present in the room with him. It poured over him and through him. The mental barriers he had built against faith were swept away. He had stepped from bridge to shore. For the first time, he was awakened to a Power greater than himself.

This powerful experience transformed our friend forever. On that very night, his alcoholism disappeared. Except for a few moments when he felt tempted, his desire to drink never returned. And whenever he felt tempted, he also felt very strongly that drinking would be a huge mistake. The idea of drinking made him sick to his stomach. He could not drink even if he wanted to. God had restored his sanity.

Doesn't this story describe a miracle of healing? Its elements are so simple. Events in this man's life made him willing to believe. He humbly offered himself to God. After that, he was changed forever.

We members of A.A. know that God helped us find our sanity again. Some of us connect with God suddenly and in a flash, as our friend did. Some of us grow into it more slowly. But God has come to all who have honestly sought a connection with a Power greater than themselves.

When we allowed ourselves to become closer to God, we found God!